How to Set Boundaries Without Being an Asshole (AKA From Love)

Let’s be real: when it comes to setting boundaries, we all fear coming across as an asshole. Nobody wants to feel like they’re cutting people off or building walls, but at the same time, we don’t want to get walked all over or drained by everyone’s demands. Here’s the truth: setting boundaries from a place of love is a game-changer—and it’s way more powerful than we give it credit for.

Now, let’s talk about parenting. If you thought you’d have a good handle on boundaries before becoming a parent, think again. Suddenly, you’re faced with setting boundaries not only for yourself but for your kids, and even for family members who can’t seem to grasp the concept of personal space (no matter how much you love them). Parenting turns the volume up on boundary-setting in a way you never saw coming, and it’s essential to get it right if you want to keep your sanity and relationships intact.

Here’s the key: boundaries aren’t about pushing people away; they’re about creating space for stronger connections. When you set boundaries from a place of love and respect, you’re actually making it possible for your relationships to thrive. Think about it—if you're constantly drained or overwhelmed, it’s harder to show up with your best self for the people you care about. By respecting your own limits, you’re teaching others to do the same. It’s a win-win!

But here’s where it gets tricky—especially with family or kids. If you’re triggered, you’re not in the right headspace to set a boundary that fosters connection. You might snap, come off defensive, or make someone else feel attacked, which just creates tension. That’s why it’s so important to get untriggered before setting a boundary. It’s okay to take a moment (or a few deep breaths) to reset. Of course, in real life, you won’t always have the luxury of time to calm down, but that’s where having a game plan can help. If you can quickly identify your emotional state and catch yourself before you react, you’ll have a better shot at setting a boundary that opens the door for understanding rather than shutting it down.

So, let’s dig into how this works in real life. We’ll look at three different scenarios: setting boundaries with yourself, with your kids, and with your family—because no one escapes this boundary business, not even Aunt Karen. Scenario 1: Setting Boundaries for Yourself (Parenting You)

👉Fear/Shame/Control Approach: Let’s say you’ve been pushing yourself too hard as a parent, trying to be everything to everyone, and you’re on the edge of burnout. When the opportunity presents itself to take a break, you feel guilty and start telling yourself things like, “If I take time for myself, I’m being selfish,” or “Other parents are doing so much more than me. I should be doing more.” Instead of setting a boundary, you push through, telling yourself that it’s just temporary, but you’re secretly resenting everyone who asks for your time and energy.

👉Outcome of the Fear/Shame/Control Response: By responding from guilt or shame, you might temporarily avoid conflict or uncomfortable feelings, but in the long run, this choice leads to burnout and resentment. You end up feeling drained, disconnected, and possibly even overwhelmed by the needs of those around you. The cycle of self-sacrifice without setting healthy boundaries only compounds your frustration, making it harder to show up as your best self in the long term.

👉Love-Based Boundary Approach: Now, imagine instead of guilt and self-judgment, you choose to listen to your needs. You acknowledge that taking a break doesn’t make you a bad parent; it actually makes you a better one. You tell your family, “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately, and I need some time to recharge. I’ll be back to do XYZ, but I need this hour to myself to reset.” You’re setting a clear boundary, but it’s coming from a place of self-care, not self-punishment. You’re teaching your kids that it’s okay to take care of yourself so you can show up for them in a healthy way.

👉Outcome of the Love-Based Response: By setting this boundary from a place of self-respect, you protect your mental and emotional space without guilt. Your family learns that it’s healthy to take time for yourself and that boundaries are about respect, not rejection. You not only prevent burnout but also model a healthy way of managing your time and energy for your kids and others around you.

Scenario 2: Setting Boundaries for Your Kids

👉Fear/Shame/Control Approach: Imagine your toddler is throwing a tantrum, and you're feeling overwhelmed. In a moment of frustration, you might snap and say something like, “If you don’t do this right now, I’ll never let you do anything fun again!” You’re reacting out of fear of losing control, afraid that their behavior will spiral further, and you’re trying to shut it down quickly.

👉Outcome of the Fear/Shame/Control Response: In the short term, your child may comply, but they haven’t learned how to manage their emotions. This fear-driven approach could lead to more power struggles in the future, as the child begins to associate compliance with fear or shame. You might silence their behavior for the moment, but the underlying issue remains unresolved. The connection between you and your child becomes strained, and they’re not learning the crucial skills of emotional regulation or understanding boundaries in a respectful way.

👉Love-Based Boundary Approach: Instead, take a deep breath and respond calmly: “I understand you're upset, but yelling is not how we solve problems. Let’s take a break and talk about this when you're ready to use your words.” By staying firm and consistent, but without control, you create a space for the child to calm down and work through their emotions with your support.

👉Outcome of the Love-Based Response: By setting the boundary with love and respect, you not only maintain your connection with your child but also teach them the skill of emotional regulation. This approach fosters a deeper sense of trust and understanding. Your child learns that it’s safe to express feelings, but also that there are healthy ways to manage them.

Scenario 3: Setting Boundaries with Family Members

👉Fear/Shame/Control Approach: Now, let’s talk about family members who, no matter how well-meaning, cross boundaries. Let’s say a family member insists on giving unsolicited parenting advice. The fear-based response might look like you snapping, “Stay out of it! You’re not the parent here!” It feels good in the moment because you’ve drawn a hard line, but it’s likely to damage the relationship long term.

👉Outcome of the Fear/Shame/Control Response: This response might temporarily satisfy your desire to protect your space, but it also creates an emotional rift. The family member might feel disrespected, and the relationship could become more strained. While you’ve set a boundary, you haven’t done so in a way that preserves the connection, and instead of understanding, there’s likely confusion or defensiveness on both sides.

👉Love-Based Boundary Approach: Instead of reacting with frustration, you calmly express your needs: “I really appreciate that you care and want to help, but I’m working on doing things a little differently with my kids, and I need to stay consistent. Let’s talk about how we can support each other instead of making decisions for each other.”

👉Outcome of the Love-Based Response: By setting the boundary with care and respect, you maintain the relationship and invite a healthy dialogue. Your family member understands your perspective without feeling rejected, and you create a space where both of you can maintain a loving connection while respecting each other’s autonomy.

How to Set Boundaries Without Losing Connection

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: Before responding, take a moment to check in with yourself. Are you reacting out of fear, frustration, or love? This self-awareness will guide you in choosing the best approach.

2. Be Clear, But Kind: A boundary doesn’t need to be harsh. Use clear language, but stay compassionate. For example, instead of “Don’t do that,” try “I need this to happen in order for me to feel respected.”

3. Stay Firm, But Flexible: Boundaries are meant to protect your energy, not control others. You can stay firm in your boundary but remain open to dialogue and understanding. The key is to preserve the relationship, not shut it down.

4. Keep the End Goal in Mind: Always keep connection at the center of your boundary-setting process. Ask yourself: What is the long-term goal here? Is this boundary fostering respect and understanding, or am I just protecting myself from discomfort?

   
   

Need Help? Use ChatGPT!

If you’re unsure how to set a specific boundary and don't have a reliable source (coach/therapist/friend that seems to get this stuff right) to help, or need help crafting a response that preserves your connection, ChatGPT can help. Sometimes, having an outside perspective makes all the difference. Boundaries don’t have to feel intimidating or isolating—they can be a loving tool for healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Don't hesitate to ask for help if you need it!

Remember, boundaries are your tool for creating space that supports your well-being and maintains your connections. And trust me, you won’t be an asshole for setting them.